social anxiety and some notes on how its fucked me

my brain is shot. i have social anxiety and after sitting here thinking about it all, its really taken a hit on me. i decided to look it up and after reading up on it, i appear to fit all of the criteria. one symptom mentioned is being introduced to other people. at work, every new coworker i have had, i have been very quick and dismissive of them initially, because it made me feel uncomfortable. the whole interaction, not so much the person. after a few weeks of getting to know them though, everything is alright.

i have a hard time meeting new people because of this. i dont have many people i can call a friend that live here, nor do i know any like-minded musicians that i can play music with. meeting new people and introducing myself always makes me nervous. at CANASA, i really tried my hardest to talk to the representitives there. i was successful i think. but it was a really hard pill to swallow given how many people were in attendance. i try to go out every so often where people are so maybe i can get over this in some aspect.

i am always critical about myself, and i fear the worst in any situation. i worry about how my actions or thoughts may affect others tremendously, even though it may not be a big deal on the other side. it affects me so much that i avoid the largest social media platform all together. sometimes i will go to extreme measures to avoid people that i see in public just so i dont have to have a conversation. its super dickish of me to do that, but i think im a boring conversational person anyways so im really saving you time too.

i feel stressed out about work currently, trying to finish a huge project. and we are in a great position but i feel to my peers that its not good enough. speaking of work, it also affects my attitude towards everyone there. there will be a week or a few days here and there where i just come in and im a huge asshole to everyone. i think its the stress of interacting with them as well. it not good for anyone because it makes the work environment totally toxic. the other day i left the job site early and went straight home because i was so pissed off at everything.

i fucking hate myself.